Knowing what to say to someone who is dying can be challenging.
Choose words that are comforting and caring, avoid cliches that may seem insensitive.
Share positive memories and express gratitude for the person.
It’s okay to acknowledge the difficult nature of the situation – and your own emotions – while still providing reassurance and support.
Remember that active listening and genuine presence are just as crucial as what you say during this time.
Knowing what to say to someone who is dying can be hard and emotional, whether you are family, a close friend or an acquaintance.
You might feel unsure about what to say or do. Of course, there isn’t just one correct way to have open conversations. Genuine, heartfelt communication is always best.
In these most difficult of times, your main aim should be to offer comfort, support, and understanding to the person, as well as the people around them.
If you are really struggling with your feelings, Palliative Care teams can often help. For instance, our Care Workers can be a listening ear as can nurses. If you feel overwhelmed by feelings as someone you love approaches the end of their life, you can also reach out for help:
Understanding the emotional journey at the end of life
The end of life can bring strong feelings for everyone. For the person close to death, they may feel a mix of emotions. This could include fear, sadness, anger and acceptance. They may want to connect with loved ones but they may also withdraw from their close circle. They might want to share memories of good times, or just have someone there to offer comfort.
Recognising the stages of grief in the dying process
Understanding grief can help you handle the feelings that come with the dying process. Everyone goes through grief in their own way. However, most people go through common stages. There are 5 stages of grief:
Denial is common. Some people will feel confused, shocked or refuse to believe that they or someone they love has received a diagnosis of a terminal illness
Anger is a normal experience. Some people may be angry at themselves, healthcare professionals, or the situation
Bargaining is another common stage where some may feel guilty, wishing they had done more to prevent the situation
Depression is also common as others may feel hopeless, helpless and alone
Acceptance has no timeline, and some may never feel acceptance, where they have come to terms with themselves or their loved one reaching the end of life
These stages do not always happen in a specific order. People are different and may feel grief and the various emotions that are presented at the end of life in many different ways. Grief support is very important for both the person who is dying and their family. This support can manifest in different ways. It might simply be just being present, listening without giving advice, or helping with daily tasks.
Ultimately, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s important to encourage honest conversations. Let the person who is dying and your loved ones share feelings openly.
Embracing empathy & compassion
Communicating with someone who is dying requires empathy and compassion. Try to see things from their point of view. Understand what they are feeling. Acknowledge how heavy their situation is and respond with kindness.
Avoid giving unsolicited advice they didn’t ask for or downplaying their pain. Instead of saying, “I know exactly how you feel,” which can sound dismissive, say something like, “This must be very hard for you.” Sometimes, the best way to show you care is by listening quietly without interrupting.
Also, remember to know your limits. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. Don’t be afraid to ask for support from family, friends, support groups or healthcare professionals.
Communicating comfort: what to say
Finding the right words for someone nearing the end of their life is important. Being sincere and simple can mean a lot. It’s not always about giving big speeches; it can simply be about showing you care and being there for them in their last moments.
Focus on what matters most. Share your love, offer comfort, and remind them of the special ways they have touched your life.
Offering words of comfort and understanding
Start by recognising what your loved one is facing. You can say something like, “I’m here for you” or “I care about you, and I can’t imagine how you feel.” Simple phrases can go a long way.
Show that you understand their pain and that their feelings are legitimate. You might say, “It’s fine to feel scared or sad” or “Let your feelings out; don’t keep them in.” It’s important to provide comfort without making their situation feel trivialised.
It is also important that you don’t make promises you can’t keep or give false hope. Instead, focus your words on empathy, love, and acceptance.
Sharing memorable stories and joyful moments
Thinking back on happy times and sharing fond memories can make a dying person feel comforted. It helps them enjoy happy memories again and shows how much they mattered to others.
Talk about moments you shared. These could be family occasions, holidays, or even normal days that made you laugh. Share stories that show their good traits, their humour, or their joy for life. You can say, “Do you remember when…?” or “You always knew how to make everyone laugh.”
These stories can bring back good feelings and create a bond between you. They help remind the person of the good life they’ve lived.
Providing reassurance and a constant presence
Your presence is a great comfort for a person who is dying. Just being by someone’s bedside, holding their hand, or listening can bring them peace. As the old adage goes, actions can speak louder than words. Just being present or doing practical tasks to help make life easier are also powerful ways of showing you care.
You could let the person know they are loved and that their life has been important. Thank them for being in your life and for the lessons they’ve shared. Tell them their memory will remain alive through the people they have impacted.
Sometimes, just being there is enough. Your presence alone can provide a lot of comfort and strength during their last moments. This is especially true if your loved one has dementia, where what you say to someone who is dying is not as important as simply being a physical comfort.
When is it not acceptable to talk about death?
Talking about death is important, but sometimes it can feel wrong or insensitive to bring it up directly. For example, if someone is in denial or isn’t ready to talk, pushing the issue could upset them.
It’s key to pay attention to their signals and respect boundaries. If they seem uneasy or change topic, let them and talk about what they want to talk about. It’s best to avoid joking about their situation or using humour that may hurt their feelings. Of course, everyone is different and some people enjoy dark humour but make sure your conversation fits the person and your relationship with them.
Rather than forcing a discussion about death, focus on giving comfort and support in ways that feel right and respectful.
Practical tips for conversations
Talking with a loved one who is dying can be hard. The most important thing is to be honest and kind. Keep in mind that they are still the same person you always knew. Your bond still matters. When you talk, try to show empathy. Be ready to listen closely. Don’t worry about silence.
When to speak and when to listen
Navigating conversations during a hard time means you need to balance speaking and listening. You might want to fill the silence with kind words. However, active listening can be just as useful. Active listening is when you don’t just hear what someone says, but respond appropriately to their mood and emotions. Focus on what they say and their body language. Make eye contact. Let them lead the conversation.
If they want to open up, you could make it safe for them to share their feelings without being judged. You could use gentle phrases like “What’s on your mind?” or “I’m here to listen.” Try not to interrupt or give unwanted advice. Just being there and paying attention can bring a lot of comfort.
Keep in mind that this is a hard time for everyone, including you. If you have trouble finding the right words or coping with everything, it’s okay to step away for a bit. You can also talk to other family members for support.
Encouraging them to talk
While being mindful of their space, you can encourage honest talks by asking open-ended questions. Instead of using direct questions, try saying things like, “Is there anything you’d like to talk about?” or “I’m happy to listen if you want to share.”
Palliative care professionals can help with starting conversations in a meaningful way. They know how to make a friendly and safe place for people to share their thoughts and feelings. Our Carers are available to provide companionship in these situations, not just the person requiring Palliative Care but also to their loved ones.
Keep in mind that forcing a conversation can be unhelpful. The aim is to create a safe space where the person who is dying can open up if they want. This is about respecting their needs and wants.
Choose comforting phrases over cliches
While you mean well, cliched phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “You’re going to a better place” can often come off as uncaring and disrespectful. Instead, use kind words that show you understand their feelings.
You could say, “I can only imagine how difficult this must be.” Rather than “Stay strong,” you could say, “It’s okay to not be okay; let your feelings out.”
Choosing your words carefully shows true empathy and helps the person feel listened to. It also helps them feel understood without making light of what they’re going through.
Navigating difficult conversations with sensitivity
Sometimes, you may need to have conversations about end of life care plans, funeral arrangements, or any issues that are left unresolved. Sometimes, you may also feel you have unfinished business with the person who is dying and you want to discuss something deeply personal. It’s important to approach these talks with care and respect for what the person wants.
Timing is everything, and finding the appropriate time and place can dictate if a conversation goes well or badly.
Again, Palliative Care experts or hospice nurses can help with these important discussions. They have experience in helping patients and their families talk. They make sure everyone’s thoughts are heard and needs are taken care of.
Keep in mind that most talks should really be about respecting what the person who is dying wants. It’s important to focus on their comfort and peace of mind. Be patient and understanding. Always put their needs first during this tough time.
It’s ok to show your feelings too
Though it’s important to be strong for the people you love, you should never feel like you have to hide your feelings. Feeling different emotions during this difficult time is normal and it’s important to express yourself to deal with grief in a healthy way. Letting your feelings show can help you to connect.
Sharing your sadness or grief can also bring comfort to the person who is dying. It shows them that it’s okay to feel those emotions, too. This can help make your bond stronger. It allows both of you to share a moment of being vulnerable and close during their final moments – whether it be days, weeks or months ahead.
Use gentle touch
Never ignore how much a gentle touch can help. When words aren’t enough, a simple touch can show care and connection. Holding someone’s hand, stroking their arm, or gently massaging their feet can bring them comfort and safety.
It’s important to pay attention to how they feel about touch too. Some people may not want to be touched, especially if they’re in pain. Take their lead, look for signals and change approach if needed. It’s difficult to not take it personally if your loved one doesn’t want to be touched at the end of their life but try not to be; they may be in pain or suffering and it’s whatever they want that matters.
When a gentle touch is wanted, it can be a strong way to show love, support, and presence. It speaks a kind language of compassion that can go beyond words, giving comfort during tough times.
Ask what they need from you
Everyone has different needs and wants, especially at the end of life. What is comforting for one person may not be the same for another. No matter how well you know someone, it’s better to ask your loved one how you can help them instead of making assumptions.
Try asking open-ended questions like, “Is there something I can do to make you more comfortable?” or “What would help you most right now?” Their answers may surprise you. They might want company, help with certain tasks, or just someone to listen. It’s important to respect their wishes and provide support that meets their needs during this time.
Remember, they’re still the same person they always were
Even though their physical health may be changing, it’s important to remember that who they are inside stays the same. Keep treating them with the same respect, joy, and love that you always have.
Talk about shared interests, favourite activities, or happy memories together. Let them know you appreciate the bond you have, regardless of their illness. Keeping things “normal” can be very comforting for both of you during this difficult time. As things change for you and your loved ones, keeping familiarity can be reassuring and comforting. It’s for that reason many of our clients choose to receive Palliative Care in their own homes; it lets them stay in the place where they have memories of loved ones, and their family and friends can visit any time of day.
Common misconceptions about talking to a dying loved one
Often, fear and misunderstanding can stop us from having open conversations with loved ones who are dying. We may worry about saying the wrong thing or upsetting them. This can make things harder. However, not having these conversations can lead to regret later.
Remember, talking openly, even about difficult topics like death, can bring comfort and closure for everyone. It lets us share feelings of love, forgiveness, gratitude, and reassurance when it matters most.
“Talking about death will upset people.”
Death is a difficult subject but it isn’t always as upsetting to talk about as some may think. When a loved one is at the end of life, many people feel better by sharing feelings and fears. It gives them closure and is therefore an important part of the grieving process.
Avoiding talks can make things awkward, tense and stop people from getting the peace they need. Allowing open discussions about death creates a safe place for people to process their emotions and say goodbye.
It’s a normal reaction to want to talk about death and dying. When you offer a safe space for these conversations, you help the person facing death find comfort and peace.
“Talking about death will make things harder.”
There is also a common fear that talking about death might make it come sooner or make things worse. However, this belief is not true. When we discuss death with care and respect, it does not change what will happen.
Of course, talking about death constantly might be seen as morbid or morose. But talking about death in a healthy way can help us accept it as a natural part of life. It gives people a chance to share their feelings and wishes. If we ignore the topic, it can lead to more stress and worries. This may stop them from finding peace and understanding.
It’s important to have honest chats, even when times are tough. These conversations can bring comfort and support. They help us connect and face fears together.
“Talking about everyday things is hard for the person who is dying.”
It’s natural to focus on what the dying person needs. However, talking about normal, everyday things is not disrespectful. It actually shows normality and helps you connect. Sharing stories about your day, funny moments, or even simple news can give them a much-needed break. It reminds them that life continues, and that they are still a part of the lives of the people they love.
Many people who are dying still find joy and comfort in simple chats about family, their hobbies, or what’s happening in the world. This helps them stay connected and shows that their life still matters.
Don’t hesitate to make an appropriate joke or share what’s going on in your life. This shows that you see them as more than just a serious illness. You value their presence and want them in your life.
5 things to say to someone who is dying
There are a few simple statements you can use if you’re wondering what to say to someone who is dying:
“I love you.” – you can express love to offer them comfort
“Thank you for everything.” – you can acknowledge their impact on your life so they know how important they are to you
“I’m here with you.” – let them know they aren’t alone and you will support them
“Do you want to talk about anything?” – offer to listen to help them share their thoughts and feelings
“It’s okay to let go.” – give them ‘permission’ to let go in their final moments can be a relief, especially for elderly parents who are used to looking after their children and grandchildren
Inspirational quotes to share
When words can’t express what we feel, inspirational quotes can offer comforting words. There is a risk of falling into cliches, but some people take comfort from inspirational quotes because they find that they contain deep truths about life and death. They give us perspective and reassurance when times are tough.
Using someone else’s words can sometimes help with what to say to someone who is dying.
Quotes that offer peace & solace
This quote reminds us that death is a natural part of life. It’s not an end but a part of our journey. It encourages us to accept this truth and see life as a cycle.
This quote tells us that the journey of life is as important as where we are going. It pushes us to enjoy each experience and build connections with others.
As someone gets closer to the end of their life, this quote urges us to pay attention to the deep feelings we have.
Quotes to inspire hope
This quote tells us to enjoy life completely. It encourages us to look for new experiences and to value each moment.
This quote gives comfort when we face loss. It reminds us that our love and happy moments stay with us forever, shaping us.
This quote is a reminder for those near the end of life. It highlights the influence they’ve had and the legacy they will leave behind.
Reach out for support
Remember, you’re not alone in this difficult time. There are many support systems ready to offer comfort, guidance, and understanding. You can reach out to family members, friends, or support groups to share your feelings and find solace.
Organisations like Marie Curie and Macmillan or online groups focused on end of life care can provide helpful resources. They can also connect you with others who have faced similar situations. Seeking support shows strength and self care. It helps you handle this emotional journey better.
Quick questions
How can I make sure I’m saying the right thing?
Remember there is never one “right thing” to say. Take some of the advice above and focus on talking with empathy, honesty, and a desire to listen. Be patient to ensure they feel comfortable talking with you. Offer reassurance and support where you can. Let them know you are there for them. If they have dementia, providing physical comfort can help soothe your loved one. Ultimately, you know your loved one best; trust yourself and your relationship and try to talk to them as you always have.
What should I write on a card to someone who is dying?
During challenging times, using compassionate and comforting phrases such as “You are loved and cherished” can be comforting to those in need. It’s always a good idea to avoid clichés and opt for genuine words of love and encouragement.
You could reminisce about shared memories and expressing affection can truly make a difference in offering support during difficult moments. It’s also essential to convey your support and appreciation to let them know they’re not alone. Kind gestures and empathetic words can go a long way in providing comfort and strength to those facing hardships.
What are some ways to express love and gratitude to a loved one who is dying?
Expressing love and gratitude to your loved ones is essential, especially during challenging times. Sharing fond memories and moments spent together can bring comfort and joy to both parties. Thanking them for their presence in your life shows appreciation and strengthens the bond between you.
Offering emotional support, such as holding their hand or providing comfort, can make a positive impact on their wellbeing. Additionally, considering Palliative Care options and providing necessary support can help ensure their comfort and dignity during their time of need.
Remember, the best thing to do is often just to give small gestures of love and kindness. They can have a profound impact on those we care about.
How can you provide reassurance and peace to someone who is facing death?
Show compassion by being there for them, listen to what they have to say, offer your comforting presence. Remind them how much they matter to you and assure them that you will cherish their memories.
Are there any cultural or religious considerations when choosing what to say to someone who is dying?
It’s important to pay attention to cultural and religious beliefs about death and dying. If you’re not sure, try to be as empathetic and respectful as possible. Talk to hospice care professionals or spiritual support providers for help with communication that is sensitive to different cultures.
What are some phrases or gestures that may bring comfort and solace to a dying person?
Simply, “I love you,” “Thank you,” and “I’m here for you,” along with holding their hand, a gentle touch, recalling happy memories, and being there to listen can help bring peace and comfort to someone who is dying.
